Retirement humor

Why I Like Retirement ! (and, I've liked it for eleven years now)


Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. And, you get a discount on the golf course.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and
refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or
garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will
want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal ...........

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a
retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses
the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.



SERENITY
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
The reporter asked, 'What is the best thing about being 104?'
Her reply, "No peer pressure"


The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.


I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than
a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I'm 85 or 92
can't remember. Have lost all my friends. But,
thank God, I still have my driver's license.



I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness
club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for
an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.



About half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'



Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!


THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to
forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now, I think you're supposed to share this with
maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of
your friends if you can remember who they are!

Another thing to remember: Your older friends can be told your secrets, since they probably won't remember them either.

Ginkgo Biloba, or something like that, is to be taken to help with memory. But, you have to remember to take it, if possible.